One Of The Top 10 Things NEVER To Say To A Female

It’s the little things that tell you that your skid has accepted you. It’s not when they give you a hug. It’s not the presents they buy you for Mother’s Day. And it’s not when they finally tell you that they love you.

My son is NOT an early riser. If he gets up with 5 mins. to spare then he’s up early. He’s now 14 and going through the usual changes. His voice is deeper, he’s 4 inches taller than I am, his feet have grown 2 sizes in 3 months and his stomach is a bottomless pit. Plus, there is the shadow of a mustache showing on his upper lip and he gets embarrassed when I point it out. Damn, my little boy is turning into a guy.

This morning was like every school morning; I’m up at 5:30 a.m. and have my coffee in sweet silence until 6:30 a.m. when I start the Cuckoo Clock routine with my son until 5 mins. before he has to make the school bus. Right on time, he saunters out.

This morning however, my charge comes out of his room, sits down with socks in hand and says, “Mom, I think I have the same problem as you.” I banter back, “Oh yeah, and what’s that?” And just as I take a mouth full of coffee, he cavalierly cold cocks me with, “I think all my weight is dropping to my thighs. These jeans are really tight.” I almost snorted coffee out of my nose. I could hardly contain myself. He really does love me! I must however make a mental note to instruct him on what NOT to say to a female if he ever wants to get a date. I’d like to think it’s his hormones that have eroded the filtering process and it’s just temporary; however, I know better. Like most males his age, and unfortunately some older ones, they say what’s on their mind and then are totally confused when the female lunges for their throat. There is so much work to do; dang male.

Boomer Mom meets Millennial Kid: A Head Banging Experience

“Why can’t you get me an iPhone or at least the Rumor LG? The cell phone I have is crappy,” complains my Millennial child. I respond with, “One reason might be the crappy phone in your hand is the 6th one you’ve had in 3 years. And the $300 slider cell we bought you lasted 7 months.” “But I don’t see why you won’t upgrade my cell,” whines my charge.

And there I sat; my mouth agape and my blood boiling while the pounding of my temples echoed in my ears. I looked at the wall wondering if banging my head against it would have been a better use of my time. Thus ended another useless discussion with my son highlighting his irresponsible behavior as the reason behind his “crappy” cell phone crisis.

This situation is probably played out all over the continent. It’s not just a child-of-divorce problem. It is; however, exacerbated by the “Disneyland Dad” who packed every minute they had their kids with fun-filled adventures, dinners out and presents. Basic discipline probably fell by the wayside. There is a high cost for giving the kids this false sense of reality. Children start to equate being loved with receiving special gifts, unique experiences, and following fewer rules. Their mantra becomes, “it’s all about me.”

I’ll give you the synopsis definition of a “Millennial” on the off chance that you don’t know what it is. Millennials are the offspring of Boomer parents; often overindulgent, overly involved parent(s). These children have been nurtured to have unrealistic expectations coupled with a “my way or the highway attitude.” They are tech savvy having grown up with Instant Messaging, cell phones, laptops, chat rooms, Xbox’s, PSP’s, online games etc. Corporations have hired people to prepare them to deal with this new cohort that is entering the workforce. And the mere thought of overseeing an entire department filled with Millennials makes me reach for my bottle of Extra Strength Tylenol.

My son’s cell phone is not “crappy,” it’s just not one of the new techie toys with all the bells and whistles. It’s a cell phone with a camera but no special keyboard for texting. It was my phone which I traded him because the only back-up cell we had was his sister’s old one --- a 4 year old little silver model and it couldn’t send text messages for some reason. I took that one and gave my son mine. The little silver phone was cool.

I was perfectly happy with the little silver phone until one morning it was on but was continually looking for service and never found any. Of course Murphy’s Law had me traveling that day. The first time in my life I had a tire blow it had to be in the middle of no-where-land on the day I had no cell. The only words I can think of to describe that day are expletives so please let your mind fill them in with everyone you can think of. You can make some up; I’m sure I did.

His father and I decided to use the day’s experiences to remind my son that a cell is not a toy. The reason he has a cell is for his dad’s and my convenience and his security; everything else is a privilege for him.

I described the details of my daunting day and tried to use it to teach a lesson. His father reinforced the cell phone lesson and it wasn’t 5 minutes later that my Millennial wanted to know if he was getting an upgrade to his phone since I was. Ugh!

Give me a double cream, triple brandy, toffee, choco latte, please: with sprinkles DAMN IT!

What’s That Smell?

My little guy has more clothes than his father and I put together. And this leads me to the question, "Why rifle through laundry to find a shirt to wear when you have numerous others to chose from?" Obviously I don’t “get” it.

My mind whirls to find the answer. So I ask,
“Why?” My son’s response, “I like this one.” O.K. Sounds reasonable to me. Then I ask, “Ummmm, doesn’t it smell? He gives me the “you can’t be that dumb” look and says, “I sprayed it with cologne.” I’m left shaking my head in disbelief while reminding myself that I probably still have much to learn about teenage boys.

Lessons Learned: Coping Strategies for the “Other Mother”

Stepchildren are children. They can decide they don’t want to accept you and it doesn’t matter if their reasons are valid or not. Your presence might remind them of what they no longer have and that the chances of their parents getting back together are nonexistent now. It could be they feel guilty about accepting you because in their minds they would be disloyal to their bio. It might be that they now have to share their dad with someone else. It could be any number of rational or irrational reasons. They may not even accept you until they’re adults. And unfortunately they may never accept you at all.

The only people who can confirm your role in the family is YOU and YOUR PARTNER. If your partner doesn’t openly affirm your role in the family, then you might be with the wrong man.


Here are some Coping Strategies:

1.FOCUS ON YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR SPOUSE. The kids will grow up and build lives of their own. Hopefully they move out before they’re thirty. Remind yourself that your relationship with your spouse is like a garden and it needs to be lovingly looked after to grow strong. Spend time with each other as a couple; have a date night or go for evening walks.

2. DETACH. Remember it’s not your problem so don’t own it. And yes this is sometimes easier-said-than-done. Stressing yourself over it is not good for your health or your family’s. Which brings to mind the saying, “when momma (insert “step” if it makes you feel better) ain’t happy; nobody’s happy.”

You don’t have to stick your head in the sand but remember that it’s the child’s or adult’s problem. And yes, I’m being generous with the term “adult,” when referenced to the bio-mom in my experience.

What works for me is to look at the problem as a situation. Situations just are and can’t be fixed whereas, in my mind, a problem is something I need to fix.

It’s hard to sit back and watch how my son’s bio-mom treats him. And it’s with Herculean strength that I keep myself from picking up the phone and pummeling her verbally for all the broken promises she's made to him; then I remember it would have the impact of peeing in the ocean. (Deep breath. Remember to breathe.) You need to constantly remind yourself that the only behavior you can control is your own. You can’t change anyone but yourself.

3. DON’T LOSE YOURSELF AS AN INDIVIDUAL. This is a hard one. It took me a few years to realize what I was doing . In an effort to make your family work you can get overly focused on your role in the “stepfamily.” You’ve heard of “Super” moms well, surprise there are “Super” stepmoms too. You can say no and you can have boundaries. The person you were before becoming a “stepmom” didn’t die. You had dreams, aspirations, hobbies, thoughts and feelings too. Your stepfamily relationships are important but remember so are you.

4. PAMPER YOURSELF. As the “other mother,” remember to take time for yourself. Give yourself a pedicure or pay someone for one. Join a health club and actually use it. Remember those long luxurious soaks in a tub full of bubbles?; have one.

Taking time for myself was hard for me. Now I wait for my son to go to bed and then I grab my book and go soak quietly in a hot tub of vanilla scented bubbles.

5. REMEMBER THE CHILDREN ARE HIS. This is easier if you’re the non-custodial stepmom. Your spouse needs to be the “heavy” when it comes to parenting. My husband and I work as a team (most times) and I use him as the “big gun” when I can’t enforce the rules. My son is now a teenager and just the word “teenager” can make bio-parents shudder.

A teenager facing off with the “other mother” is quite an interesting fireworks display. I think my son is working on his masters; that would be “Master of Manipulation.” You have to love him for trying.

6. BE UNITED AT ALL TIMES. Admit it --- can you remember knowing you mom’s answer to what you wanted and so you asked you dad? All kids do it. Stepkids are more masterful at this and they have the “guilt thing” to sling when it doesn’t go their way.

All kids know WHO is the “easy mark” and they will use that knowledge to their benefit. Children of divorce however, will also work on any “crack” in your armor or your marriage until it’s a gaping hole. Remember to present a united front! (Even when you don’t want to. ) You can always discuss matters with your partner later. If you can’t rationally discuss skids, then the problems aren’t just with the kids.

7. REMEMBER: HIS KIDS DON’T HAVE TO LIKE YOU. And you don’t have to like them. If the skids don’t like you it’s probably nothing personal. Just accept it; don’t obsess over it. There is a lot going on in your skids heads and they have to sort things through without pressure. In my situation the older daughter is not fond of me (cough,cough,choke.) She’s never lived with us and she only contacts us when she wants something. In the beginning I used try to include her in family events like Christmas baking. She wasn’t all that enthusiastic about it and made it seem more like an interruption in her life. Our occasional quick chat conversations on the phone were stilted so I stopped everything.

We always hear from her around her birthday or Christmas. It’s her subtle reminder to us not to forget her presents. My interactions with her are always respectful. I’m not naive. I know she’s expressed her “opinion” of everything I do to the rest of the family. She never likes anything I cook but is at least respectful to my face about it. It helps when I remember that she might be feeling she’s betraying her mother if she liked me and she knows I wasn’t the cause of her parents divorce because I wasn't even around then.

She’s an adult now so I’m hoping over time or when she has kids of her own that suddenly she’ll have a giant brain fart that blows off the rose colored glasses she sees her bio-mom through. Hey, I didn’t say I was perfect.

8. DON’T EXPECT TOO MUCH EMOTIONALLY FROM YOUR SKIDS. The less you expect means the less you’ll be hurt or disappointed. Being rejected is never easy and let’s not sugar coat it; it hurts! Remember they are children and have had their world and foundations torn apart by divorce. You need to give them time.

9. SEEK SUPPORT OF OTHER STEPMOMS. It makes things easier when you’re not alone. And it’s always nice to get someone else’s opinion of your experiences. I find when you’re too close to the situation you tend to miss the obvious. It’s like holding up your hand so close to your face that you only see three fingers and a thumb or a blur depending on your eyesight.

Now go grab a coffee or chocolatte and relax; you deserve it! While you're relaxing you might want to surf over to the Becoming A Step Mom Blog. There's a good article on Stress Management.

HAPPY HUMP DAY!

photo courtesy of tonayo

Giving Cinderella’s Stepmom the Boot

They’re hip, chic and high profile: Celebrity stepmoms Sandra Bullocks and Catherine Zeta-Jones are among the ranks of stepmoms who are kicking the stepmom stereotypes to the curb.

Bullocks was quoted on Fame Crawler saying her love and her hope for her husband's kids and their happiness were no less than if they were her own biological children. And she felt some higher power put the them in her path.

She was also quoted on OK Magazine as saying she didn’t see the difference in having blood-related kids or children who come with your husband.

My sentiments exactly: go Sandra.

According to a story in Wales Online and Mail Online, Michael Douglas’s eldest son Cameron says Catherine Zeta-Jones is not an evil stepmom and is the one that has cemented the family together. Cameron went on to say that Catherine is someone who puts family above everything else.

My kudos Catherine.