Memories

I was reminiscing this morning about when my nieces and nephew were young. They believed anything: so gullible and so lovable. I have fond memories of my oldest niece spending half an hour checking the back of my head for eyes because her and her younger sister kept getting caught doing stuff they weren’t supposed to. And of course when she asked how I knew what they were doing, I said, “all aunts have eyes in the back of their heads.“ Neither one of them realized I could see their reflections in the microwave door when I was in the kitchen and they were in the dining room.

I can’t stop laughing when I remember her calling, “mommy, mommy, mommy," nonstop until I told her we were changing her mom’s name. Her response was to break into tears. When I asked what was wrong she sobbed, “how will I know how to find her? WAAAAAAAA!!!!“

I remember the time I had my nephew and his friend clean the hardwood floor with a toothbrush because they wouldn’t stop teasing the girls. And the boys did a darn good job cleaning. Then a picture flashed in my mind of him, not even a year old, wearing the tuxedo I bought him for Christmas. My brain quickly compared that memory to one of him standing tall, handsome and proud at his 8th grade graduation.

The sweet memories came fast and furious as my mind's eye flashed a time when my youngest niece was 2 years old. It was a Saturday morning and I watched in amazement as she waddled over to the kitchen counter and dragged down a bag of potato chips taller than she was. I stood silent as she ambled over to where the family’s big black lab lay on the floor in front of the TV. Then the chubby little cherub picked up the remote, plopped down, hit a button and the TV blasted on. The memory is so vivid it could have happened yesterday. She poured some chips onto the floor between the lab’s paw’s and placed one chubby little arm over the dog's neck. Best buddies both settled in to watch cartoons and chow down on chips. Then I found myself laughing uncontrollably as the image popped into my memory of that blonde, curly haired baby trying every which way to maneuver her diapered butt into the tiny chair that Barbie® uses at her vanity.

These are some of the wonderful memories I have of my nieces’ and nephew’s early years. I have none of those from my son’s baby times as I am the “Other Mother.”

The Step Letter Project

I have a great site to recommend: The Step Family Letter Project. The site has letters written anonymously by bio-moms, husbands, ex’s, stepkids and of course stepmoms. The anonymity of the site has given the letter writers an opportunity to say things they might otherwise have kept bottled up inside. There are messages filled with anger, pain, resentment, sadness and regret. However, there are some surprisingly deeply heartfelt letters of love and appreciation.

The Web site was the brain-child of two friends: Jacquelyn Fletcher and Erin Erickson.

Fletcher is a stepmom of three children and a mother of one. She is also the author of, “A Career Girl’s Guide to Becoming a Stepmom,” and she publishes the blog www.becomingastepmom.com.

Erickson is a stepmom to two children. Her personal blog is The Erin Experiment . And she's also the creator of Stepchicks, an online community for stepmoms and soon-to-be stepmoms.

Brief Note on Artist and Graphic Designer Karen Piovaty

While searching the web I came across Karen Piovaty's wonderful Web site www.OtherMother.com.

Piovaty's site is a pictorial exhibit that truly captures the essence of the challenges and frustration that stepmothers endure. She is herself a stepmom and a daughter-of-divorce.

Each stepfamily situation is different: there is no "One-Size-Fits-All." Some of the art doesn't depict my personal situation, but I know of other stepmoms' circumstances where they would be a perfect graphic representation.

Take a few minutes to go over and browse through her site: it’s worth it! You'll find the digital collages Piovaty put together full of wit, wisdom and talent.

Teens Just Wanna Have Fun: Why Teenagers Are Prone To Poor Judgment

Keeping kids safe at any age is a lot of work. I remember a skateboarding scare my son gave me when he was 11 years old. He called me demanding I drive over and pick him up from the church down the street: a five minute walk. I laughed and he said, “I’m serious mom.” I countered with, “explain to me why I have to get the car and drive to the corner to pick you up.” He says, I really hurt myself skateboarding.” Well, that did it, you couldn’t see me for dust and my heart was beating fast and furious in my throat not knowing what I‘d find.

There he was sitting with his legs straight out and obviously in pain.The horrors that flashed through my mind intensified my fear. I checked to see if anything was broken and nothing was: thank goodness. His injuries consisted of a severe case of hurt pride, some badly strained muscles and a pulled ligament but it could have been worse.

Once I was sure he would survive his ordeal, I got on my mommy soapbox and started my sermon on the dangers of skateboarding along a railing or down steps. I went over the cost of medical bills, the possibility of becoming a paraplegic, the pain that his injuries would inflict on his parents and all the things in his future he could have missed because of his stupidity. There he sat staring at this red faced wild woman flailing her arms in the air. Judging by the expression on his face I’m pretty sure that what he heard was,” blah, blah, blah, skateboarding, blah blah skateboarding, blah, blah blah.

What makes teens so prone to making poor judgments and risky decisions? There’s been a recent study done of over 900 individuals. It found that compared to adults, teenagers think less about the future and prefer instant gratification. This part I already knew and is part of my lecture series to my son on a weekly basis. However, the reason for these findings is interesting: teen brains are immature in the thrill seeking system rather than the part that’s responsible for self-control. This is probably why my son says his dad and I are boring. He thinks our thrill seeking days are long behind us. Actually, it’s more of our death defying thrill seeking days that are over. The thrill of seeing him go safely off to college can not be calculated. You can read more about the study at Science News.


Photo by Jordan Woods

I Am Teenager: Hear Me Roar!!

Who stole my huggable, lovable little boy and replaced him with this bellowing, belligerent, demanding teenager? I want answers and I want them now!

Welcome to the continuing saga of the cell phone. I am brave. I will not cave. I repeated this mantra last night as I watched my adorable little boy morph into this great boisterous lurching demon thing complete with horns and pointed tail.

I stood shocked as it grew larger and more ominous while pounding its chest and demanding I trade cell phones with it because the old cell phone it had to transfer back to couldn’t send texts when in roam. And it knew it wasn’t getting another new cell phone anytime soon.

It badgered me for an hour banging drumsticks on the floor, the coffee table, a can and the couch in its attempts to bend me to its will. My screaming for it to stop was to no avail. The noise it was making was deafening as the sound reverberated in my head. I would not acquiesce to its demands. And when that didn’t work it continuously asked “WHY?” hoping to make me throw up my hands in desperation and give it what it wanted. The constant barrage grated on my nerves and my head felt like it would explode. When that didn’t work either it threatened to rack up large cell phone bills because it couldn’t text and tried to have me cowering in guilt because those big bills would be my fault for not submitting to its demands.

I stood firm in my resolve, so this thing escalated its tormenting until I’d had enough and tried to banish it to its room. All this did was make it madder and it dug its hoofs firmly into the carpet and refused to move while hurling flaming “NO I WON’TS” at me.

At nine o’clock I went to bed exhausted from my experience with this thing that possessed my adorable child. Was there a way to exorcise this demon? Would I awaken and find this was just a nightmare? I slept fitfully tossing and turning all night long and dreamt of firmly planting my foot up his dad’s ass for his parenting-by-guilt days.



NOTE: The Super Nanny Site has a more detailed article for this kind of behavior. Basically, we parents/stepparents need to stand firm and this is easier said than done.

clipart from http://www.amazing-animations.com

Pester Power: Buy Me Buy Me

I still have my first and only Barbie doll. Thirty years later, my nieces had at least six or seven Barbie dolls each. Today, kids are more consumer-driven than ever regardless of the economic landscape. When you add to that guilt from a divorce, a smattering of manipulation, a pinch of parental competition plus “Pester Power” then you have quite the situation.

My husband separated from his ex when his son was 5 years old and his daughter was a tween. Unfortunately, he succumbed to parenting by guilt. Whenever the kids spent time with him, they would make a request and Daddy would get it.

Today’s kids are heavy media users and typically early adopters of new technologies. With his son, the purchase was usually technology --- game consoles, handhelds and games for each one. The first PSP he got was $250; the Xbox was over $300. In addition, the little darling will play the games nonstop (which cost $20 and up) until he has beaten them and becomes bored. Imagine what he could do if he focused that much energy on school work.

According to Juliet Schor’s book, Born to Buy: The Commercialized Child and the New Consumer Culture, kids in the U.S. reportedly spend $30 billion per year. And that’s just the four-to-12-year-olds! YTV’s 2002 Tween Report estimated Canadian children between nine and 14 spend $1.9 billion and influenced $20 billion in family purchases per year. The results of the Cartoon Network’s New Generations Australia 2003 survey claims that children age seven to 14 spend $471 million a year. And 92 percent admitted to pestering their parents to purchase products for them. Our little angels have way to much cash to smash.

Every Christmas or birthday, I am hounded, bulldogged, sweet-talked, pestered and whined at for the latest and greatest piece of technology. I’m constantly picking my chin up off the floor after one of these conversations. Currently we’re feuding over the infamous cell phone conundrum. My son says the slider phone we bought 6 months ago was “old’ technology. It now lays broken in my desk drawer. It was his fifth phone in less than 3 years. His sister received a new cell phone for her birthday and my son wants a new one that’s better suited for texting. Another one of his friends got a “new” technology cell phone with access to the Internet. And all our discussions on how there will always be someone with a newer better whatever continues to fall on deaf ears.

Children are influenced by the spending habits of their parents’, peer pressure, and the power of advertising. The 12 to 17 year olds in Juliet Schor’s book, spent $112.5 billion in 2003. And 87 percent of those big bucks were from mom and dad’s wallets. What are we doing to our kids? How do we instill the value of a buck? Children from intact families try to play one parent off the other. Children in divorced families do the same with greater success because they have the "guilt" card they can play.

According to the 2007 InterpriseTM Poll, 8.5 percent of teens indicate that they have credit cards. Only 2.7 percent of teens ages 13 -14 reported having credit cards. That percentage almost doubles to 5.3 percent for teens 15-16, then again doubles to 10.6 percent for 17 year olds, and nearly triples to 28.8 percent for teens 18 and older. What are we doing to educate our kids about credit? NSLP Financial Literacy Online has a free course about Budgets, Credit and more that you can check out.

What is really depressing is the U.S. Bankruptcy Court claims the number of young people 18 to 24 declaring bankruptcy increased 96 percent in the past decade thus making them the fastest-growing group of bankruptcy filers. And in 2002, more people filed for bankruptcy than graduated from college.

It's no surprise our teens need a reality check as shown by Schwab’s Teens and Money Survey 2007. While the median household income in the U.S. is $48,000, teens believe they’ll be earning $145,000. Boy are they in for a rude awakening.

Teens are optimistic about they’re ability to achieve financial success but are clueless on what it will take to achieve those goals. Schwab MoneyWise has a guide with advice for helping kids of all ages learn about money. Remember to check out their “Practical Tips for Raising Financially Fit Teens.” Check out Hollis Harman’s site for some money games to download for your younger kids.

Here are a few tips to tackle “Pester Power:”

• Agree on tactics with your partner. Make the decisions together and stick to them so you don’t undermine each other. Set ground rules with your ex-partner and don’t let yourself get caught up in the competition if they buy the kids presents you can’t afford.

• Make memories. Remember your time spent having a pillow fight or whipped cream war will be remembered long after the latest toy has been trashed.

• Remember that children change their minds every other day with each new ad they see. Help them to realize that they can’t have everything they want. If it's a Christmas list then get them to put presents in order of their preference. And limit it to four or five.

• Help them to learn the difference between a want and a need.

• Go lock the bathroom door, turn up some tunes, soak in a nice hot bubble bath and fantasize about the days before kids or skids.
  

As parents, we should teach our children techniques for survival in our world. And it’s hard not to cave in and give them everything they want when they want it. If we make things too easy for them, they’ll have nothing to strive for. And what parent wants to end up with a thirty-year-old Xbox game player laying around our house all day eating cold pizza and guzzling coke?