Lessons Learned: Coping Strategies for the “Other Mother”

Stepchildren are children. They can decide they don’t want to accept you and it doesn’t matter if their reasons are valid or not. Your presence might remind them of what they no longer have and that the chances of their parents getting back together are nonexistent now. It could be they feel guilty about accepting you because in their minds they would be disloyal to their bio. It might be that they now have to share their dad with someone else. It could be any number of rational or irrational reasons. They may not even accept you until they’re adults. And unfortunately they may never accept you at all.

The only people who can confirm your role in the family is YOU and YOUR PARTNER. If your partner doesn’t openly affirm your role in the family, then you might be with the wrong man.


Here are some Coping Strategies:

1.FOCUS ON YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR SPOUSE. The kids will grow up and build lives of their own. Hopefully they move out before they’re thirty. Remind yourself that your relationship with your spouse is like a garden and it needs to be lovingly looked after to grow strong. Spend time with each other as a couple; have a date night or go for evening walks.

2. DETACH. Remember it’s not your problem so don’t own it. And yes this is sometimes easier-said-than-done. Stressing yourself over it is not good for your health or your family’s. Which brings to mind the saying, “when momma (insert “step” if it makes you feel better) ain’t happy; nobody’s happy.”

You don’t have to stick your head in the sand but remember that it’s the child’s or adult’s problem. And yes, I’m being generous with the term “adult,” when referenced to the bio-mom in my experience.

What works for me is to look at the problem as a situation. Situations just are and can’t be fixed whereas, in my mind, a problem is something I need to fix.

It’s hard to sit back and watch how my son’s bio-mom treats him. And it’s with Herculean strength that I keep myself from picking up the phone and pummeling her verbally for all the broken promises she's made to him; then I remember it would have the impact of peeing in the ocean. (Deep breath. Remember to breathe.) You need to constantly remind yourself that the only behavior you can control is your own. You can’t change anyone but yourself.

3. DON’T LOSE YOURSELF AS AN INDIVIDUAL. This is a hard one. It took me a few years to realize what I was doing . In an effort to make your family work you can get overly focused on your role in the “stepfamily.” You’ve heard of “Super” moms well, surprise there are “Super” stepmoms too. You can say no and you can have boundaries. The person you were before becoming a “stepmom” didn’t die. You had dreams, aspirations, hobbies, thoughts and feelings too. Your stepfamily relationships are important but remember so are you.

4. PAMPER YOURSELF. As the “other mother,” remember to take time for yourself. Give yourself a pedicure or pay someone for one. Join a health club and actually use it. Remember those long luxurious soaks in a tub full of bubbles?; have one.

Taking time for myself was hard for me. Now I wait for my son to go to bed and then I grab my book and go soak quietly in a hot tub of vanilla scented bubbles.

5. REMEMBER THE CHILDREN ARE HIS. This is easier if you’re the non-custodial stepmom. Your spouse needs to be the “heavy” when it comes to parenting. My husband and I work as a team (most times) and I use him as the “big gun” when I can’t enforce the rules. My son is now a teenager and just the word “teenager” can make bio-parents shudder.

A teenager facing off with the “other mother” is quite an interesting fireworks display. I think my son is working on his masters; that would be “Master of Manipulation.” You have to love him for trying.

6. BE UNITED AT ALL TIMES. Admit it --- can you remember knowing you mom’s answer to what you wanted and so you asked you dad? All kids do it. Stepkids are more masterful at this and they have the “guilt thing” to sling when it doesn’t go their way.

All kids know WHO is the “easy mark” and they will use that knowledge to their benefit. Children of divorce however, will also work on any “crack” in your armor or your marriage until it’s a gaping hole. Remember to present a united front! (Even when you don’t want to. ) You can always discuss matters with your partner later. If you can’t rationally discuss skids, then the problems aren’t just with the kids.

7. REMEMBER: HIS KIDS DON’T HAVE TO LIKE YOU. And you don’t have to like them. If the skids don’t like you it’s probably nothing personal. Just accept it; don’t obsess over it. There is a lot going on in your skids heads and they have to sort things through without pressure. In my situation the older daughter is not fond of me (cough,cough,choke.) She’s never lived with us and she only contacts us when she wants something. In the beginning I used try to include her in family events like Christmas baking. She wasn’t all that enthusiastic about it and made it seem more like an interruption in her life. Our occasional quick chat conversations on the phone were stilted so I stopped everything.

We always hear from her around her birthday or Christmas. It’s her subtle reminder to us not to forget her presents. My interactions with her are always respectful. I’m not naive. I know she’s expressed her “opinion” of everything I do to the rest of the family. She never likes anything I cook but is at least respectful to my face about it. It helps when I remember that she might be feeling she’s betraying her mother if she liked me and she knows I wasn’t the cause of her parents divorce because I wasn't even around then.

She’s an adult now so I’m hoping over time or when she has kids of her own that suddenly she’ll have a giant brain fart that blows off the rose colored glasses she sees her bio-mom through. Hey, I didn’t say I was perfect.

8. DON’T EXPECT TOO MUCH EMOTIONALLY FROM YOUR SKIDS. The less you expect means the less you’ll be hurt or disappointed. Being rejected is never easy and let’s not sugar coat it; it hurts! Remember they are children and have had their world and foundations torn apart by divorce. You need to give them time.

9. SEEK SUPPORT OF OTHER STEPMOMS. It makes things easier when you’re not alone. And it’s always nice to get someone else’s opinion of your experiences. I find when you’re too close to the situation you tend to miss the obvious. It’s like holding up your hand so close to your face that you only see three fingers and a thumb or a blur depending on your eyesight.

Now go grab a coffee or chocolatte and relax; you deserve it! While you're relaxing you might want to surf over to the Becoming A Step Mom Blog. There's a good article on Stress Management.

What Stepfamily Integration Style Are You?

My search for answers to help my family with our challenges led me to an article about the different integration styles of stepfamilies. The author highlights the different styles as:

• Blender

• Food Processor

• Microwave

• Pressure Cooker

• Crockpot

I love to cook so this analogy struck a cord with me. My family’s integration isn’t the Blender type as our personalities are too strong to be whipped together.

We’re not the Food Processor type either. We all understand that it takes time for acceptance. Cutting and chopping traditions wouldn’t work for us. We decided that we’d make our own traditions; not better ones, just different ones.

At first I thought our style might be Microwave because we don’t like to be referred to as a “stepfamily” and it does make us feel second-rate; must be a societal thing. I will not invalidate our feelings about that. However, the Microwave style wasn’t a good fit either. My husband and I realized that there would never be a rapid acceptance of me or our marriage on either child’s part. We knew that his son would have an easier integration due to his age: the daughter would be difficult. My son was 10 and it was totally his idea to call me mom. We never even suggested it. We just make sure that he doesn’t refer to me as “mom” in his bio-mom's presence. The daughter calls me by my first name and that is perfectly okay. We are always aware that our family dynamic is different; aren’t they all?

The Pressure Cooker was definitely not our style either. The Pressure Cooker integration style puts family rituals, values and preferences under pressure to meld together completely. This would never work with the personalities in my family. The resultant explosion would have taken out the street.

The Tossed type wasn’t even close to our situation. I have no kids of my own which makes things a bit easier and the bio-mom rarely asks to have her son spend time with her.

Now the Crockpot seems more like what my husband and I practice; low heat over time. We never forced the kids to love me or accept me. We did demand respect. I’m very lucky. I married a wise man who recognized and acknowledged his kids’ emotional and psychological attachment to their bio-mom and never forced them to change it.

Ron Deal, the author of the article I‘m referencing, says the Crockpot style works best. I’m glad to know that our decision is a good one.

My family is a work-in-progress. Have we made mistakes? HELL YEAH! I have a long list that are just mine. This site coupled with the research I’m doing is helping me to determine ways to fix what can be fixed and just accept what can‘t be.

I’m comfortable with the idea that “stepfamily” is a transition term until the individuals involved unite as a “family.” Does everyone in the stepfamily integrate? Unfortunately, I don’t think so.

Your Label Does Not Define Me And Mine

I’ve always had problems wrapping my mind around the idea of the “Stepfamily.” I’ve had difficulty referring to my husband’s kids as my “stepchildren,” and I never refer to my husband as my “second” husband. I introduce them as “my family”, or “my husband.”

I’ve wracked my brain for the reasons I was having this problem differentiating between “family” and “stepfamily.” At first I thought it might have been my ego and I was just being prideful. I’m acutely aware that I am not the childrens’ bio-mother although I treat the kids like my own. The older daughter doesn’t live with us and hasn’t really accepted me, but that’s another story.

There have been many times I’ve been introduced to moms who immediately tell me that they are the “stepmom” or “second” wife and point out the “stepkids” from “their” kids. They’ve gone as far as pointing out which ones are “his, mine and ours” and we had just met. This always leaves me with a strange sensation in the pit of my stomach when I watch the kids’ faces as each is assigned to “their group.” I’ve never intentionally told anyone that my son is not my biological child: I see no need. I’m fortunate that the “bio-mom” doesn’t live close to us and the chances of an accidental meeting are nonexistent.

I’ve finally figured out my problem: my mind interprets the word “step” as something “less than.” I am not “less than” and no one in my family is “less than” hence my difficulty. When my mind sees the word “step” in front of “mom” or “kid” it makes me so uncomfortable that I purposely leave no space between the words; even when it means I have to keep removing the space due to the auto correct. To me that space between represents a great divide that one has to leap across to make contact with the “other” side.