Boomer Mom meets Millennial Kid: A Head Banging Experience

“Why can’t you get me an iPhone or at least the Rumor LG? The cell phone I have is crappy,” complains my Millennial child. I respond with, “One reason might be the crappy phone in your hand is the 6th one you’ve had in 3 years. And the $300 slider cell we bought you lasted 7 months.” “But I don’t see why you won’t upgrade my cell,” whines my charge.

And there I sat; my mouth agape and my blood boiling while the pounding of my temples echoed in my ears. I looked at the wall wondering if banging my head against it would have been a better use of my time. Thus ended another useless discussion with my son highlighting his irresponsible behavior as the reason behind his “crappy” cell phone crisis.

This situation is probably played out all over the continent. It’s not just a child-of-divorce problem. It is; however, exacerbated by the “Disneyland Dad” who packed every minute they had their kids with fun-filled adventures, dinners out and presents. Basic discipline probably fell by the wayside. There is a high cost for giving the kids this false sense of reality. Children start to equate being loved with receiving special gifts, unique experiences, and following fewer rules. Their mantra becomes, “it’s all about me.”

I’ll give you the synopsis definition of a “Millennial” on the off chance that you don’t know what it is. Millennials are the offspring of Boomer parents; often overindulgent, overly involved parent(s). These children have been nurtured to have unrealistic expectations coupled with a “my way or the highway attitude.” They are tech savvy having grown up with Instant Messaging, cell phones, laptops, chat rooms, Xbox’s, PSP’s, online games etc. Corporations have hired people to prepare them to deal with this new cohort that is entering the workforce. And the mere thought of overseeing an entire department filled with Millennials makes me reach for my bottle of Extra Strength Tylenol.

My son’s cell phone is not “crappy,” it’s just not one of the new techie toys with all the bells and whistles. It’s a cell phone with a camera but no special keyboard for texting. It was my phone which I traded him because the only back-up cell we had was his sister’s old one --- a 4 year old little silver model and it couldn’t send text messages for some reason. I took that one and gave my son mine. The little silver phone was cool.

I was perfectly happy with the little silver phone until one morning it was on but was continually looking for service and never found any. Of course Murphy’s Law had me traveling that day. The first time in my life I had a tire blow it had to be in the middle of no-where-land on the day I had no cell. The only words I can think of to describe that day are expletives so please let your mind fill them in with everyone you can think of. You can make some up; I’m sure I did.

His father and I decided to use the day’s experiences to remind my son that a cell is not a toy. The reason he has a cell is for his dad’s and my convenience and his security; everything else is a privilege for him.

I described the details of my daunting day and tried to use it to teach a lesson. His father reinforced the cell phone lesson and it wasn’t 5 minutes later that my Millennial wanted to know if he was getting an upgrade to his phone since I was. Ugh!

Give me a double cream, triple brandy, toffee, choco latte, please: with sprinkles DAMN IT!

What’s That Smell?

My little guy has more clothes than his father and I put together. And this leads me to the question, "Why rifle through laundry to find a shirt to wear when you have numerous others to chose from?" Obviously I don’t “get” it.

My mind whirls to find the answer. So I ask,
“Why?” My son’s response, “I like this one.” O.K. Sounds reasonable to me. Then I ask, “Ummmm, doesn’t it smell? He gives me the “you can’t be that dumb” look and says, “I sprayed it with cologne.” I’m left shaking my head in disbelief while reminding myself that I probably still have much to learn about teenage boys.

Lessons Learned: Coping Strategies for the “Other Mother”

Stepchildren are children. They can decide they don’t want to accept you and it doesn’t matter if their reasons are valid or not. Your presence might remind them of what they no longer have and that the chances of their parents getting back together are nonexistent now. It could be they feel guilty about accepting you because in their minds they would be disloyal to their bio. It might be that they now have to share their dad with someone else. It could be any number of rational or irrational reasons. They may not even accept you until they’re adults. And unfortunately they may never accept you at all.

The only people who can confirm your role in the family is YOU and YOUR PARTNER. If your partner doesn’t openly affirm your role in the family, then you might be with the wrong man.


Here are some Coping Strategies:

1.FOCUS ON YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR SPOUSE. The kids will grow up and build lives of their own. Hopefully they move out before they’re thirty. Remind yourself that your relationship with your spouse is like a garden and it needs to be lovingly looked after to grow strong. Spend time with each other as a couple; have a date night or go for evening walks.

2. DETACH. Remember it’s not your problem so don’t own it. And yes this is sometimes easier-said-than-done. Stressing yourself over it is not good for your health or your family’s. Which brings to mind the saying, “when momma (insert “step” if it makes you feel better) ain’t happy; nobody’s happy.”

You don’t have to stick your head in the sand but remember that it’s the child’s or adult’s problem. And yes, I’m being generous with the term “adult,” when referenced to the bio-mom in my experience.

What works for me is to look at the problem as a situation. Situations just are and can’t be fixed whereas, in my mind, a problem is something I need to fix.

It’s hard to sit back and watch how my son’s bio-mom treats him. And it’s with Herculean strength that I keep myself from picking up the phone and pummeling her verbally for all the broken promises she's made to him; then I remember it would have the impact of peeing in the ocean. (Deep breath. Remember to breathe.) You need to constantly remind yourself that the only behavior you can control is your own. You can’t change anyone but yourself.

3. DON’T LOSE YOURSELF AS AN INDIVIDUAL. This is a hard one. It took me a few years to realize what I was doing . In an effort to make your family work you can get overly focused on your role in the “stepfamily.” You’ve heard of “Super” moms well, surprise there are “Super” stepmoms too. You can say no and you can have boundaries. The person you were before becoming a “stepmom” didn’t die. You had dreams, aspirations, hobbies, thoughts and feelings too. Your stepfamily relationships are important but remember so are you.

4. PAMPER YOURSELF. As the “other mother,” remember to take time for yourself. Give yourself a pedicure or pay someone for one. Join a health club and actually use it. Remember those long luxurious soaks in a tub full of bubbles?; have one.

Taking time for myself was hard for me. Now I wait for my son to go to bed and then I grab my book and go soak quietly in a hot tub of vanilla scented bubbles.

5. REMEMBER THE CHILDREN ARE HIS. This is easier if you’re the non-custodial stepmom. Your spouse needs to be the “heavy” when it comes to parenting. My husband and I work as a team (most times) and I use him as the “big gun” when I can’t enforce the rules. My son is now a teenager and just the word “teenager” can make bio-parents shudder.

A teenager facing off with the “other mother” is quite an interesting fireworks display. I think my son is working on his masters; that would be “Master of Manipulation.” You have to love him for trying.

6. BE UNITED AT ALL TIMES. Admit it --- can you remember knowing you mom’s answer to what you wanted and so you asked you dad? All kids do it. Stepkids are more masterful at this and they have the “guilt thing” to sling when it doesn’t go their way.

All kids know WHO is the “easy mark” and they will use that knowledge to their benefit. Children of divorce however, will also work on any “crack” in your armor or your marriage until it’s a gaping hole. Remember to present a united front! (Even when you don’t want to. ) You can always discuss matters with your partner later. If you can’t rationally discuss skids, then the problems aren’t just with the kids.

7. REMEMBER: HIS KIDS DON’T HAVE TO LIKE YOU. And you don’t have to like them. If the skids don’t like you it’s probably nothing personal. Just accept it; don’t obsess over it. There is a lot going on in your skids heads and they have to sort things through without pressure. In my situation the older daughter is not fond of me (cough,cough,choke.) She’s never lived with us and she only contacts us when she wants something. In the beginning I used try to include her in family events like Christmas baking. She wasn’t all that enthusiastic about it and made it seem more like an interruption in her life. Our occasional quick chat conversations on the phone were stilted so I stopped everything.

We always hear from her around her birthday or Christmas. It’s her subtle reminder to us not to forget her presents. My interactions with her are always respectful. I’m not naive. I know she’s expressed her “opinion” of everything I do to the rest of the family. She never likes anything I cook but is at least respectful to my face about it. It helps when I remember that she might be feeling she’s betraying her mother if she liked me and she knows I wasn’t the cause of her parents divorce because I wasn't even around then.

She’s an adult now so I’m hoping over time or when she has kids of her own that suddenly she’ll have a giant brain fart that blows off the rose colored glasses she sees her bio-mom through. Hey, I didn’t say I was perfect.

8. DON’T EXPECT TOO MUCH EMOTIONALLY FROM YOUR SKIDS. The less you expect means the less you’ll be hurt or disappointed. Being rejected is never easy and let’s not sugar coat it; it hurts! Remember they are children and have had their world and foundations torn apart by divorce. You need to give them time.

9. SEEK SUPPORT OF OTHER STEPMOMS. It makes things easier when you’re not alone. And it’s always nice to get someone else’s opinion of your experiences. I find when you’re too close to the situation you tend to miss the obvious. It’s like holding up your hand so close to your face that you only see three fingers and a thumb or a blur depending on your eyesight.

Now go grab a coffee or chocolatte and relax; you deserve it! While you're relaxing you might want to surf over to the Becoming A Step Mom Blog. There's a good article on Stress Management.

HAPPY HUMP DAY!

photo courtesy of tonayo

Giving Cinderella’s Stepmom the Boot

They’re hip, chic and high profile: Celebrity stepmoms Sandra Bullocks and Catherine Zeta-Jones are among the ranks of stepmoms who are kicking the stepmom stereotypes to the curb.

Bullocks was quoted on Fame Crawler saying her love and her hope for her husband's kids and their happiness were no less than if they were her own biological children. And she felt some higher power put the them in her path.

She was also quoted on OK Magazine as saying she didn’t see the difference in having blood-related kids or children who come with your husband.

My sentiments exactly: go Sandra.

According to a story in Wales Online and Mail Online, Michael Douglas’s eldest son Cameron says Catherine Zeta-Jones is not an evil stepmom and is the one that has cemented the family together. Cameron went on to say that Catherine is someone who puts family above everything else.

My kudos Catherine.

What Stepfamily Integration Style Are You?

My search for answers to help my family with our challenges led me to an article about the different integration styles of stepfamilies. The author highlights the different styles as:

• Blender

• Food Processor

• Microwave

• Pressure Cooker

• Crockpot

I love to cook so this analogy struck a cord with me. My family’s integration isn’t the Blender type as our personalities are too strong to be whipped together.

We’re not the Food Processor type either. We all understand that it takes time for acceptance. Cutting and chopping traditions wouldn’t work for us. We decided that we’d make our own traditions; not better ones, just different ones.

At first I thought our style might be Microwave because we don’t like to be referred to as a “stepfamily” and it does make us feel second-rate; must be a societal thing. I will not invalidate our feelings about that. However, the Microwave style wasn’t a good fit either. My husband and I realized that there would never be a rapid acceptance of me or our marriage on either child’s part. We knew that his son would have an easier integration due to his age: the daughter would be difficult. My son was 10 and it was totally his idea to call me mom. We never even suggested it. We just make sure that he doesn’t refer to me as “mom” in his bio-mom's presence. The daughter calls me by my first name and that is perfectly okay. We are always aware that our family dynamic is different; aren’t they all?

The Pressure Cooker was definitely not our style either. The Pressure Cooker integration style puts family rituals, values and preferences under pressure to meld together completely. This would never work with the personalities in my family. The resultant explosion would have taken out the street.

The Tossed type wasn’t even close to our situation. I have no kids of my own which makes things a bit easier and the bio-mom rarely asks to have her son spend time with her.

Now the Crockpot seems more like what my husband and I practice; low heat over time. We never forced the kids to love me or accept me. We did demand respect. I’m very lucky. I married a wise man who recognized and acknowledged his kids’ emotional and psychological attachment to their bio-mom and never forced them to change it.

Ron Deal, the author of the article I‘m referencing, says the Crockpot style works best. I’m glad to know that our decision is a good one.

My family is a work-in-progress. Have we made mistakes? HELL YEAH! I have a long list that are just mine. This site coupled with the research I’m doing is helping me to determine ways to fix what can be fixed and just accept what can‘t be.

I’m comfortable with the idea that “stepfamily” is a transition term until the individuals involved unite as a “family.” Does everyone in the stepfamily integrate? Unfortunately, I don’t think so.

Your Label Does Not Define Me And Mine

I’ve always had problems wrapping my mind around the idea of the “Stepfamily.” I’ve had difficulty referring to my husband’s kids as my “stepchildren,” and I never refer to my husband as my “second” husband. I introduce them as “my family”, or “my husband.”

I’ve wracked my brain for the reasons I was having this problem differentiating between “family” and “stepfamily.” At first I thought it might have been my ego and I was just being prideful. I’m acutely aware that I am not the childrens’ bio-mother although I treat the kids like my own. The older daughter doesn’t live with us and hasn’t really accepted me, but that’s another story.

There have been many times I’ve been introduced to moms who immediately tell me that they are the “stepmom” or “second” wife and point out the “stepkids” from “their” kids. They’ve gone as far as pointing out which ones are “his, mine and ours” and we had just met. This always leaves me with a strange sensation in the pit of my stomach when I watch the kids’ faces as each is assigned to “their group.” I’ve never intentionally told anyone that my son is not my biological child: I see no need. I’m fortunate that the “bio-mom” doesn’t live close to us and the chances of an accidental meeting are nonexistent.

I’ve finally figured out my problem: my mind interprets the word “step” as something “less than.” I am not “less than” and no one in my family is “less than” hence my difficulty. When my mind sees the word “step” in front of “mom” or “kid” it makes me so uncomfortable that I purposely leave no space between the words; even when it means I have to keep removing the space due to the auto correct. To me that space between represents a great divide that one has to leap across to make contact with the “other” side.

There’s A Black Hole In My Son’s Room

Definition: a black hole is a region of space that has so much mass concentrated in it that there is no way for a nearby object to escape its gravitational pull.

Dustpans...

Nuts and screws...

Flashlights...

Hair Brushes...

Packages of Batteries...

Lost socks...

Cat toys...

Pop bottles...

Left over food, candy wrappers, empty bags...

Cell phone chargers...

It’s incredible what I’ve found in my son’s room. And the worse part is I know what went into his room that we've never found again. Four pairs of jeans he’s only worn once is what comes to mind. I know I washed them and gave them to him to put away. I am not losing my mind. If I ask him has he seen it (replace “it” with item of your choice) the answer is always, “nope.”

Could it be elves, faeries, or rats that are taking these things? Nah, my little guy's room is definitely a black hole that sucks in objects.

Just When You Think You’ve Heard It All: Putative Father Registries

Over half the states in the U.S. have some form of Putative Father Registry. What are Putative Father Registries? Males must register themselves and their sex partners (only if they’re not married to them) every time they have a sexual encounter. Why? If the male is not registered and a pregnancy results from his sexual experiences then he has no paternal rights to that baby.

Can you imagine the high school jock, after making out in the backseat of his car, pulling out his laptop or his cell phone to register his encounter with one of the cheerleaders? How many men do you know would trot over to the nearest computer to fill out a form, then print and mail it to register the tryst he just had with a woman who is not his wife? And that’s the best case scenario for registration. You need to read this humorous article on one man‘s attempt to comply with the law in Ohio. It’s not so funny implications could be a reality. In Virginia, the men have within 10 days of the birth to register. That’s if they’re told of a birth. Why do we make it difficult for children and fathers to have loving relationships?

The Putative Father Registry does not establish legal paternity. The man’s name is not added to the birth certificate through the registries. Men would still have all those forms to fill out and probably take a paternity test.

At first blush I want to laugh my ass off and start questioning the IQ of the bright-spot who thought this up. OH MY GAWD! The reason I’m not laughing at this ludicrous legislation is because I see the insidiousness of it. What kinds of information are the men requested to fill out? If you live in Virginia, then when you register you must provide:

• social security number;
• driver's license number;
• phone number; e-mail;
• home address; employer;
  
• height weight;
• hair color;
• any identifying marks (remember that lizard tattoo you got on a dare?);
• location of the act;
• plus the mother’s identifying information.

Well at least they didn’t ask what position(s) you used: was that missionary or doggy? That’s probably in the next form update.

These registries are invasive databases for both men and women’s private information. And the women’s personal information is compiled without their knowledge or consent. The registries ask for as much identifying information the male knows about the woman/mother (including her complete name and her maiden name); the woman’s most current address, her Social Security Number (if known) estimated delivery date (if known) or the name, sex, and birth date of the child.

We should be asking a lot of questions. Does someone verify the accuracy of this information? Are the women notified that someone has registered them. How are they informed that now their personal information is in a database? Ladies, do you really want your partner to go register every time you have sex when you‘re not married to them? Are there still laws in some states that make having sex illegal if the couple are not married? Hey mom, do you want your 16 year old son to give out all that information? And if he doesn’t register, do you want to potentially lose access to your grandchild?

So far registration is not booming: good for the women but not good for the men. What’s next? How about a reward card for registering? They could give the guys a tank of gas, power tools or sports event tickets after every 10 registrations. Even better than the paper card, let’s go plastic reward cards and accumulate points. Imagine the marketing. Have you had sex today? Remember to swipe each time. Those points could add up guys and racing season is coming. To save money they could have condom companies sponsor the cards. Imagine what the marketers could do with an ad like “Frequent Flyer Miles,“ but I digress.

The supporters of this legislation say the law will help connect fathers with their offspring before the children are put up for adoption. This law's critics see it as a citizen’s privacy being eroded. I lean towards the latter. As Robert Franklin, Esq. says here, "these laws exist to keep dad out of the loop in case of adoption."

Is making our sons aware of the Putative Father Registry something each father should include in “the talk?” Should parents insist on having the Putative Registry promoted in the health classes in high school? Should mother’s be discussing these registries with their teen daughters. Should the government now have brochures, posters or at least an information packet reminding the male troops they send overseas to register before they go? As usual there’s too many questions and not enough answers when you legislate instead of educate.