One Of The Top 10 Things NEVER To Say To A Female

It’s the little things that tell you that your skid has accepted you. It’s not when they give you a hug. It’s not the presents they buy you for Mother’s Day. And it’s not when they finally tell you that they love you.

My son is NOT an early riser. If he gets up with 5 mins. to spare then he’s up early. He’s now 14 and going through the usual changes. His voice is deeper, he’s 4 inches taller than I am, his feet have grown 2 sizes in 3 months and his stomach is a bottomless pit. Plus, there is the shadow of a mustache showing on his upper lip and he gets embarrassed when I point it out. Damn, my little boy is turning into a guy.

This morning was like every school morning; I’m up at 5:30 a.m. and have my coffee in sweet silence until 6:30 a.m. when I start the Cuckoo Clock routine with my son until 5 mins. before he has to make the school bus. Right on time, he saunters out.

This morning however, my charge comes out of his room, sits down with socks in hand and says, “Mom, I think I have the same problem as you.” I banter back, “Oh yeah, and what’s that?” And just as I take a mouth full of coffee, he cavalierly cold cocks me with, “I think all my weight is dropping to my thighs. These jeans are really tight.” I almost snorted coffee out of my nose. I could hardly contain myself. He really does love me! I must however make a mental note to instruct him on what NOT to say to a female if he ever wants to get a date. I’d like to think it’s his hormones that have eroded the filtering process and it’s just temporary; however, I know better. Like most males his age, and unfortunately some older ones, they say what’s on their mind and then are totally confused when the female lunges for their throat. There is so much work to do; dang male.

Boomer Mom meets Millennial Kid: A Head Banging Experience

“Why can’t you get me an iPhone or at least the Rumor LG? The cell phone I have is crappy,” complains my Millennial child. I respond with, “One reason might be the crappy phone in your hand is the 6th one you’ve had in 3 years. And the $300 slider cell we bought you lasted 7 months.” “But I don’t see why you won’t upgrade my cell,” whines my charge.

And there I sat; my mouth agape and my blood boiling while the pounding of my temples echoed in my ears. I looked at the wall wondering if banging my head against it would have been a better use of my time. Thus ended another useless discussion with my son highlighting his irresponsible behavior as the reason behind his “crappy” cell phone crisis.

This situation is probably played out all over the continent. It’s not just a child-of-divorce problem. It is; however, exacerbated by the “Disneyland Dad” who packed every minute they had their kids with fun-filled adventures, dinners out and presents. Basic discipline probably fell by the wayside. There is a high cost for giving the kids this false sense of reality. Children start to equate being loved with receiving special gifts, unique experiences, and following fewer rules. Their mantra becomes, “it’s all about me.”

I’ll give you the synopsis definition of a “Millennial” on the off chance that you don’t know what it is. Millennials are the offspring of Boomer parents; often overindulgent, overly involved parent(s). These children have been nurtured to have unrealistic expectations coupled with a “my way or the highway attitude.” They are tech savvy having grown up with Instant Messaging, cell phones, laptops, chat rooms, Xbox’s, PSP’s, online games etc. Corporations have hired people to prepare them to deal with this new cohort that is entering the workforce. And the mere thought of overseeing an entire department filled with Millennials makes me reach for my bottle of Extra Strength Tylenol.

My son’s cell phone is not “crappy,” it’s just not one of the new techie toys with all the bells and whistles. It’s a cell phone with a camera but no special keyboard for texting. It was my phone which I traded him because the only back-up cell we had was his sister’s old one --- a 4 year old little silver model and it couldn’t send text messages for some reason. I took that one and gave my son mine. The little silver phone was cool.

I was perfectly happy with the little silver phone until one morning it was on but was continually looking for service and never found any. Of course Murphy’s Law had me traveling that day. The first time in my life I had a tire blow it had to be in the middle of no-where-land on the day I had no cell. The only words I can think of to describe that day are expletives so please let your mind fill them in with everyone you can think of. You can make some up; I’m sure I did.

His father and I decided to use the day’s experiences to remind my son that a cell is not a toy. The reason he has a cell is for his dad’s and my convenience and his security; everything else is a privilege for him.

I described the details of my daunting day and tried to use it to teach a lesson. His father reinforced the cell phone lesson and it wasn’t 5 minutes later that my Millennial wanted to know if he was getting an upgrade to his phone since I was. Ugh!

Give me a double cream, triple brandy, toffee, choco latte, please: with sprinkles DAMN IT!

What’s That Smell?

My little guy has more clothes than his father and I put together. And this leads me to the question, "Why rifle through laundry to find a shirt to wear when you have numerous others to chose from?" Obviously I don’t “get” it.

My mind whirls to find the answer. So I ask,
“Why?” My son’s response, “I like this one.” O.K. Sounds reasonable to me. Then I ask, “Ummmm, doesn’t it smell? He gives me the “you can’t be that dumb” look and says, “I sprayed it with cologne.” I’m left shaking my head in disbelief while reminding myself that I probably still have much to learn about teenage boys.

Lessons Learned: Coping Strategies for the “Other Mother”

Stepchildren are children. They can decide they don’t want to accept you and it doesn’t matter if their reasons are valid or not. Your presence might remind them of what they no longer have and that the chances of their parents getting back together are nonexistent now. It could be they feel guilty about accepting you because in their minds they would be disloyal to their bio. It might be that they now have to share their dad with someone else. It could be any number of rational or irrational reasons. They may not even accept you until they’re adults. And unfortunately they may never accept you at all.

The only people who can confirm your role in the family is YOU and YOUR PARTNER. If your partner doesn’t openly affirm your role in the family, then you might be with the wrong man.


Here are some Coping Strategies:

1.FOCUS ON YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR SPOUSE. The kids will grow up and build lives of their own. Hopefully they move out before they’re thirty. Remind yourself that your relationship with your spouse is like a garden and it needs to be lovingly looked after to grow strong. Spend time with each other as a couple; have a date night or go for evening walks.

2. DETACH. Remember it’s not your problem so don’t own it. And yes this is sometimes easier-said-than-done. Stressing yourself over it is not good for your health or your family’s. Which brings to mind the saying, “when momma (insert “step” if it makes you feel better) ain’t happy; nobody’s happy.”

You don’t have to stick your head in the sand but remember that it’s the child’s or adult’s problem. And yes, I’m being generous with the term “adult,” when referenced to the bio-mom in my experience.

What works for me is to look at the problem as a situation. Situations just are and can’t be fixed whereas, in my mind, a problem is something I need to fix.

It’s hard to sit back and watch how my son’s bio-mom treats him. And it’s with Herculean strength that I keep myself from picking up the phone and pummeling her verbally for all the broken promises she's made to him; then I remember it would have the impact of peeing in the ocean. (Deep breath. Remember to breathe.) You need to constantly remind yourself that the only behavior you can control is your own. You can’t change anyone but yourself.

3. DON’T LOSE YOURSELF AS AN INDIVIDUAL. This is a hard one. It took me a few years to realize what I was doing . In an effort to make your family work you can get overly focused on your role in the “stepfamily.” You’ve heard of “Super” moms well, surprise there are “Super” stepmoms too. You can say no and you can have boundaries. The person you were before becoming a “stepmom” didn’t die. You had dreams, aspirations, hobbies, thoughts and feelings too. Your stepfamily relationships are important but remember so are you.

4. PAMPER YOURSELF. As the “other mother,” remember to take time for yourself. Give yourself a pedicure or pay someone for one. Join a health club and actually use it. Remember those long luxurious soaks in a tub full of bubbles?; have one.

Taking time for myself was hard for me. Now I wait for my son to go to bed and then I grab my book and go soak quietly in a hot tub of vanilla scented bubbles.

5. REMEMBER THE CHILDREN ARE HIS. This is easier if you’re the non-custodial stepmom. Your spouse needs to be the “heavy” when it comes to parenting. My husband and I work as a team (most times) and I use him as the “big gun” when I can’t enforce the rules. My son is now a teenager and just the word “teenager” can make bio-parents shudder.

A teenager facing off with the “other mother” is quite an interesting fireworks display. I think my son is working on his masters; that would be “Master of Manipulation.” You have to love him for trying.

6. BE UNITED AT ALL TIMES. Admit it --- can you remember knowing you mom’s answer to what you wanted and so you asked you dad? All kids do it. Stepkids are more masterful at this and they have the “guilt thing” to sling when it doesn’t go their way.

All kids know WHO is the “easy mark” and they will use that knowledge to their benefit. Children of divorce however, will also work on any “crack” in your armor or your marriage until it’s a gaping hole. Remember to present a united front! (Even when you don’t want to. ) You can always discuss matters with your partner later. If you can’t rationally discuss skids, then the problems aren’t just with the kids.

7. REMEMBER: HIS KIDS DON’T HAVE TO LIKE YOU. And you don’t have to like them. If the skids don’t like you it’s probably nothing personal. Just accept it; don’t obsess over it. There is a lot going on in your skids heads and they have to sort things through without pressure. In my situation the older daughter is not fond of me (cough,cough,choke.) She’s never lived with us and she only contacts us when she wants something. In the beginning I used try to include her in family events like Christmas baking. She wasn’t all that enthusiastic about it and made it seem more like an interruption in her life. Our occasional quick chat conversations on the phone were stilted so I stopped everything.

We always hear from her around her birthday or Christmas. It’s her subtle reminder to us not to forget her presents. My interactions with her are always respectful. I’m not naive. I know she’s expressed her “opinion” of everything I do to the rest of the family. She never likes anything I cook but is at least respectful to my face about it. It helps when I remember that she might be feeling she’s betraying her mother if she liked me and she knows I wasn’t the cause of her parents divorce because I wasn't even around then.

She’s an adult now so I’m hoping over time or when she has kids of her own that suddenly she’ll have a giant brain fart that blows off the rose colored glasses she sees her bio-mom through. Hey, I didn’t say I was perfect.

8. DON’T EXPECT TOO MUCH EMOTIONALLY FROM YOUR SKIDS. The less you expect means the less you’ll be hurt or disappointed. Being rejected is never easy and let’s not sugar coat it; it hurts! Remember they are children and have had their world and foundations torn apart by divorce. You need to give them time.

9. SEEK SUPPORT OF OTHER STEPMOMS. It makes things easier when you’re not alone. And it’s always nice to get someone else’s opinion of your experiences. I find when you’re too close to the situation you tend to miss the obvious. It’s like holding up your hand so close to your face that you only see three fingers and a thumb or a blur depending on your eyesight.

Now go grab a coffee or chocolatte and relax; you deserve it! While you're relaxing you might want to surf over to the Becoming A Step Mom Blog. There's a good article on Stress Management.

HAPPY HUMP DAY!

photo courtesy of tonayo

Giving Cinderella’s Stepmom the Boot

They’re hip, chic and high profile: Celebrity stepmoms Sandra Bullocks and Catherine Zeta-Jones are among the ranks of stepmoms who are kicking the stepmom stereotypes to the curb.

Bullocks was quoted on Fame Crawler saying her love and her hope for her husband's kids and their happiness were no less than if they were her own biological children. And she felt some higher power put the them in her path.

She was also quoted on OK Magazine as saying she didn’t see the difference in having blood-related kids or children who come with your husband.

My sentiments exactly: go Sandra.

According to a story in Wales Online and Mail Online, Michael Douglas’s eldest son Cameron says Catherine Zeta-Jones is not an evil stepmom and is the one that has cemented the family together. Cameron went on to say that Catherine is someone who puts family above everything else.

My kudos Catherine.

What Stepfamily Integration Style Are You?

My search for answers to help my family with our challenges led me to an article about the different integration styles of stepfamilies. The author highlights the different styles as:

• Blender

• Food Processor

• Microwave

• Pressure Cooker

• Crockpot

I love to cook so this analogy struck a cord with me. My family’s integration isn’t the Blender type as our personalities are too strong to be whipped together.

We’re not the Food Processor type either. We all understand that it takes time for acceptance. Cutting and chopping traditions wouldn’t work for us. We decided that we’d make our own traditions; not better ones, just different ones.

At first I thought our style might be Microwave because we don’t like to be referred to as a “stepfamily” and it does make us feel second-rate; must be a societal thing. I will not invalidate our feelings about that. However, the Microwave style wasn’t a good fit either. My husband and I realized that there would never be a rapid acceptance of me or our marriage on either child’s part. We knew that his son would have an easier integration due to his age: the daughter would be difficult. My son was 10 and it was totally his idea to call me mom. We never even suggested it. We just make sure that he doesn’t refer to me as “mom” in his bio-mom's presence. The daughter calls me by my first name and that is perfectly okay. We are always aware that our family dynamic is different; aren’t they all?

The Pressure Cooker was definitely not our style either. The Pressure Cooker integration style puts family rituals, values and preferences under pressure to meld together completely. This would never work with the personalities in my family. The resultant explosion would have taken out the street.

The Tossed type wasn’t even close to our situation. I have no kids of my own which makes things a bit easier and the bio-mom rarely asks to have her son spend time with her.

Now the Crockpot seems more like what my husband and I practice; low heat over time. We never forced the kids to love me or accept me. We did demand respect. I’m very lucky. I married a wise man who recognized and acknowledged his kids’ emotional and psychological attachment to their bio-mom and never forced them to change it.

Ron Deal, the author of the article I‘m referencing, says the Crockpot style works best. I’m glad to know that our decision is a good one.

My family is a work-in-progress. Have we made mistakes? HELL YEAH! I have a long list that are just mine. This site coupled with the research I’m doing is helping me to determine ways to fix what can be fixed and just accept what can‘t be.

I’m comfortable with the idea that “stepfamily” is a transition term until the individuals involved unite as a “family.” Does everyone in the stepfamily integrate? Unfortunately, I don’t think so.

Your Label Does Not Define Me And Mine

I’ve always had problems wrapping my mind around the idea of the “Stepfamily.” I’ve had difficulty referring to my husband’s kids as my “stepchildren,” and I never refer to my husband as my “second” husband. I introduce them as “my family”, or “my husband.”

I’ve wracked my brain for the reasons I was having this problem differentiating between “family” and “stepfamily.” At first I thought it might have been my ego and I was just being prideful. I’m acutely aware that I am not the childrens’ bio-mother although I treat the kids like my own. The older daughter doesn’t live with us and hasn’t really accepted me, but that’s another story.

There have been many times I’ve been introduced to moms who immediately tell me that they are the “stepmom” or “second” wife and point out the “stepkids” from “their” kids. They’ve gone as far as pointing out which ones are “his, mine and ours” and we had just met. This always leaves me with a strange sensation in the pit of my stomach when I watch the kids’ faces as each is assigned to “their group.” I’ve never intentionally told anyone that my son is not my biological child: I see no need. I’m fortunate that the “bio-mom” doesn’t live close to us and the chances of an accidental meeting are nonexistent.

I’ve finally figured out my problem: my mind interprets the word “step” as something “less than.” I am not “less than” and no one in my family is “less than” hence my difficulty. When my mind sees the word “step” in front of “mom” or “kid” it makes me so uncomfortable that I purposely leave no space between the words; even when it means I have to keep removing the space due to the auto correct. To me that space between represents a great divide that one has to leap across to make contact with the “other” side.

There’s A Black Hole In My Son’s Room

Definition: a black hole is a region of space that has so much mass concentrated in it that there is no way for a nearby object to escape its gravitational pull.

Dustpans...

Nuts and screws...

Flashlights...

Hair Brushes...

Packages of Batteries...

Lost socks...

Cat toys...

Pop bottles...

Left over food, candy wrappers, empty bags...

Cell phone chargers...

It’s incredible what I’ve found in my son’s room. And the worse part is I know what went into his room that we've never found again. Four pairs of jeans he’s only worn once is what comes to mind. I know I washed them and gave them to him to put away. I am not losing my mind. If I ask him has he seen it (replace “it” with item of your choice) the answer is always, “nope.”

Could it be elves, faeries, or rats that are taking these things? Nah, my little guy's room is definitely a black hole that sucks in objects.

Just When You Think You’ve Heard It All: Putative Father Registries

Over half the states in the U.S. have some form of Putative Father Registry. What are Putative Father Registries? Males must register themselves and their sex partners (only if they’re not married to them) every time they have a sexual encounter. Why? If the male is not registered and a pregnancy results from his sexual experiences then he has no paternal rights to that baby.

Can you imagine the high school jock, after making out in the backseat of his car, pulling out his laptop or his cell phone to register his encounter with one of the cheerleaders? How many men do you know would trot over to the nearest computer to fill out a form, then print and mail it to register the tryst he just had with a woman who is not his wife? And that’s the best case scenario for registration. You need to read this humorous article on one man‘s attempt to comply with the law in Ohio. It’s not so funny implications could be a reality. In Virginia, the men have within 10 days of the birth to register. That’s if they’re told of a birth. Why do we make it difficult for children and fathers to have loving relationships?

The Putative Father Registry does not establish legal paternity. The man’s name is not added to the birth certificate through the registries. Men would still have all those forms to fill out and probably take a paternity test.

At first blush I want to laugh my ass off and start questioning the IQ of the bright-spot who thought this up. OH MY GAWD! The reason I’m not laughing at this ludicrous legislation is because I see the insidiousness of it. What kinds of information are the men requested to fill out? If you live in Virginia, then when you register you must provide:

• social security number;
• driver's license number;
• phone number; e-mail;
• home address; employer;
  
• height weight;
• hair color;
• any identifying marks (remember that lizard tattoo you got on a dare?);
• location of the act;
• plus the mother’s identifying information.

Well at least they didn’t ask what position(s) you used: was that missionary or doggy? That’s probably in the next form update.

These registries are invasive databases for both men and women’s private information. And the women’s personal information is compiled without their knowledge or consent. The registries ask for as much identifying information the male knows about the woman/mother (including her complete name and her maiden name); the woman’s most current address, her Social Security Number (if known) estimated delivery date (if known) or the name, sex, and birth date of the child.

We should be asking a lot of questions. Does someone verify the accuracy of this information? Are the women notified that someone has registered them. How are they informed that now their personal information is in a database? Ladies, do you really want your partner to go register every time you have sex when you‘re not married to them? Are there still laws in some states that make having sex illegal if the couple are not married? Hey mom, do you want your 16 year old son to give out all that information? And if he doesn’t register, do you want to potentially lose access to your grandchild?

So far registration is not booming: good for the women but not good for the men. What’s next? How about a reward card for registering? They could give the guys a tank of gas, power tools or sports event tickets after every 10 registrations. Even better than the paper card, let’s go plastic reward cards and accumulate points. Imagine the marketing. Have you had sex today? Remember to swipe each time. Those points could add up guys and racing season is coming. To save money they could have condom companies sponsor the cards. Imagine what the marketers could do with an ad like “Frequent Flyer Miles,“ but I digress.

The supporters of this legislation say the law will help connect fathers with their offspring before the children are put up for adoption. This law's critics see it as a citizen’s privacy being eroded. I lean towards the latter. As Robert Franklin, Esq. says here, "these laws exist to keep dad out of the loop in case of adoption."

Is making our sons aware of the Putative Father Registry something each father should include in “the talk?” Should parents insist on having the Putative Registry promoted in the health classes in high school? Should mother’s be discussing these registries with their teen daughters. Should the government now have brochures, posters or at least an information packet reminding the male troops they send overseas to register before they go? As usual there’s too many questions and not enough answers when you legislate instead of educate.

Memories

I was reminiscing this morning about when my nieces and nephew were young. They believed anything: so gullible and so lovable. I have fond memories of my oldest niece spending half an hour checking the back of my head for eyes because her and her younger sister kept getting caught doing stuff they weren’t supposed to. And of course when she asked how I knew what they were doing, I said, “all aunts have eyes in the back of their heads.“ Neither one of them realized I could see their reflections in the microwave door when I was in the kitchen and they were in the dining room.

I can’t stop laughing when I remember her calling, “mommy, mommy, mommy," nonstop until I told her we were changing her mom’s name. Her response was to break into tears. When I asked what was wrong she sobbed, “how will I know how to find her? WAAAAAAAA!!!!“

I remember the time I had my nephew and his friend clean the hardwood floor with a toothbrush because they wouldn’t stop teasing the girls. And the boys did a darn good job cleaning. Then a picture flashed in my mind of him, not even a year old, wearing the tuxedo I bought him for Christmas. My brain quickly compared that memory to one of him standing tall, handsome and proud at his 8th grade graduation.

The sweet memories came fast and furious as my mind's eye flashed a time when my youngest niece was 2 years old. It was a Saturday morning and I watched in amazement as she waddled over to the kitchen counter and dragged down a bag of potato chips taller than she was. I stood silent as she ambled over to where the family’s big black lab lay on the floor in front of the TV. Then the chubby little cherub picked up the remote, plopped down, hit a button and the TV blasted on. The memory is so vivid it could have happened yesterday. She poured some chips onto the floor between the lab’s paw’s and placed one chubby little arm over the dog's neck. Best buddies both settled in to watch cartoons and chow down on chips. Then I found myself laughing uncontrollably as the image popped into my memory of that blonde, curly haired baby trying every which way to maneuver her diapered butt into the tiny chair that Barbie® uses at her vanity.

These are some of the wonderful memories I have of my nieces’ and nephew’s early years. I have none of those from my son’s baby times as I am the “Other Mother.”

The Step Letter Project

I have a great site to recommend: The Step Family Letter Project. The site has letters written anonymously by bio-moms, husbands, ex’s, stepkids and of course stepmoms. The anonymity of the site has given the letter writers an opportunity to say things they might otherwise have kept bottled up inside. There are messages filled with anger, pain, resentment, sadness and regret. However, there are some surprisingly deeply heartfelt letters of love and appreciation.

The Web site was the brain-child of two friends: Jacquelyn Fletcher and Erin Erickson.

Fletcher is a stepmom of three children and a mother of one. She is also the author of, “A Career Girl’s Guide to Becoming a Stepmom,” and she publishes the blog www.becomingastepmom.com.

Erickson is a stepmom to two children. Her personal blog is The Erin Experiment . And she's also the creator of Stepchicks, an online community for stepmoms and soon-to-be stepmoms.

Brief Note on Artist and Graphic Designer Karen Piovaty

While searching the web I came across Karen Piovaty's wonderful Web site www.OtherMother.com.

Piovaty's site is a pictorial exhibit that truly captures the essence of the challenges and frustration that stepmothers endure. She is herself a stepmom and a daughter-of-divorce.

Each stepfamily situation is different: there is no "One-Size-Fits-All." Some of the art doesn't depict my personal situation, but I know of other stepmoms' circumstances where they would be a perfect graphic representation.

Take a few minutes to go over and browse through her site: it’s worth it! You'll find the digital collages Piovaty put together full of wit, wisdom and talent.

Teens Just Wanna Have Fun: Why Teenagers Are Prone To Poor Judgment

Keeping kids safe at any age is a lot of work. I remember a skateboarding scare my son gave me when he was 11 years old. He called me demanding I drive over and pick him up from the church down the street: a five minute walk. I laughed and he said, “I’m serious mom.” I countered with, “explain to me why I have to get the car and drive to the corner to pick you up.” He says, I really hurt myself skateboarding.” Well, that did it, you couldn’t see me for dust and my heart was beating fast and furious in my throat not knowing what I‘d find.

There he was sitting with his legs straight out and obviously in pain.The horrors that flashed through my mind intensified my fear. I checked to see if anything was broken and nothing was: thank goodness. His injuries consisted of a severe case of hurt pride, some badly strained muscles and a pulled ligament but it could have been worse.

Once I was sure he would survive his ordeal, I got on my mommy soapbox and started my sermon on the dangers of skateboarding along a railing or down steps. I went over the cost of medical bills, the possibility of becoming a paraplegic, the pain that his injuries would inflict on his parents and all the things in his future he could have missed because of his stupidity. There he sat staring at this red faced wild woman flailing her arms in the air. Judging by the expression on his face I’m pretty sure that what he heard was,” blah, blah, blah, skateboarding, blah blah skateboarding, blah, blah blah.

What makes teens so prone to making poor judgments and risky decisions? There’s been a recent study done of over 900 individuals. It found that compared to adults, teenagers think less about the future and prefer instant gratification. This part I already knew and is part of my lecture series to my son on a weekly basis. However, the reason for these findings is interesting: teen brains are immature in the thrill seeking system rather than the part that’s responsible for self-control. This is probably why my son says his dad and I are boring. He thinks our thrill seeking days are long behind us. Actually, it’s more of our death defying thrill seeking days that are over. The thrill of seeing him go safely off to college can not be calculated. You can read more about the study at Science News.


Photo by Jordan Woods

I Am Teenager: Hear Me Roar!!

Who stole my huggable, lovable little boy and replaced him with this bellowing, belligerent, demanding teenager? I want answers and I want them now!

Welcome to the continuing saga of the cell phone. I am brave. I will not cave. I repeated this mantra last night as I watched my adorable little boy morph into this great boisterous lurching demon thing complete with horns and pointed tail.

I stood shocked as it grew larger and more ominous while pounding its chest and demanding I trade cell phones with it because the old cell phone it had to transfer back to couldn’t send texts when in roam. And it knew it wasn’t getting another new cell phone anytime soon.

It badgered me for an hour banging drumsticks on the floor, the coffee table, a can and the couch in its attempts to bend me to its will. My screaming for it to stop was to no avail. The noise it was making was deafening as the sound reverberated in my head. I would not acquiesce to its demands. And when that didn’t work it continuously asked “WHY?” hoping to make me throw up my hands in desperation and give it what it wanted. The constant barrage grated on my nerves and my head felt like it would explode. When that didn’t work either it threatened to rack up large cell phone bills because it couldn’t text and tried to have me cowering in guilt because those big bills would be my fault for not submitting to its demands.

I stood firm in my resolve, so this thing escalated its tormenting until I’d had enough and tried to banish it to its room. All this did was make it madder and it dug its hoofs firmly into the carpet and refused to move while hurling flaming “NO I WON’TS” at me.

At nine o’clock I went to bed exhausted from my experience with this thing that possessed my adorable child. Was there a way to exorcise this demon? Would I awaken and find this was just a nightmare? I slept fitfully tossing and turning all night long and dreamt of firmly planting my foot up his dad’s ass for his parenting-by-guilt days.



NOTE: The Super Nanny Site has a more detailed article for this kind of behavior. Basically, we parents/stepparents need to stand firm and this is easier said than done.

clipart from http://www.amazing-animations.com

Pester Power: Buy Me Buy Me

I still have my first and only Barbie doll. Thirty years later, my nieces had at least six or seven Barbie dolls each. Today, kids are more consumer-driven than ever regardless of the economic landscape. When you add to that guilt from a divorce, a smattering of manipulation, a pinch of parental competition plus “Pester Power” then you have quite the situation.

My husband separated from his ex when his son was 5 years old and his daughter was a tween. Unfortunately, he succumbed to parenting by guilt. Whenever the kids spent time with him, they would make a request and Daddy would get it.

Today’s kids are heavy media users and typically early adopters of new technologies. With his son, the purchase was usually technology --- game consoles, handhelds and games for each one. The first PSP he got was $250; the Xbox was over $300. In addition, the little darling will play the games nonstop (which cost $20 and up) until he has beaten them and becomes bored. Imagine what he could do if he focused that much energy on school work.

According to Juliet Schor’s book, Born to Buy: The Commercialized Child and the New Consumer Culture, kids in the U.S. reportedly spend $30 billion per year. And that’s just the four-to-12-year-olds! YTV’s 2002 Tween Report estimated Canadian children between nine and 14 spend $1.9 billion and influenced $20 billion in family purchases per year. The results of the Cartoon Network’s New Generations Australia 2003 survey claims that children age seven to 14 spend $471 million a year. And 92 percent admitted to pestering their parents to purchase products for them. Our little angels have way to much cash to smash.

Every Christmas or birthday, I am hounded, bulldogged, sweet-talked, pestered and whined at for the latest and greatest piece of technology. I’m constantly picking my chin up off the floor after one of these conversations. Currently we’re feuding over the infamous cell phone conundrum. My son says the slider phone we bought 6 months ago was “old’ technology. It now lays broken in my desk drawer. It was his fifth phone in less than 3 years. His sister received a new cell phone for her birthday and my son wants a new one that’s better suited for texting. Another one of his friends got a “new” technology cell phone with access to the Internet. And all our discussions on how there will always be someone with a newer better whatever continues to fall on deaf ears.

Children are influenced by the spending habits of their parents’, peer pressure, and the power of advertising. The 12 to 17 year olds in Juliet Schor’s book, spent $112.5 billion in 2003. And 87 percent of those big bucks were from mom and dad’s wallets. What are we doing to our kids? How do we instill the value of a buck? Children from intact families try to play one parent off the other. Children in divorced families do the same with greater success because they have the "guilt" card they can play.

According to the 2007 InterpriseTM Poll, 8.5 percent of teens indicate that they have credit cards. Only 2.7 percent of teens ages 13 -14 reported having credit cards. That percentage almost doubles to 5.3 percent for teens 15-16, then again doubles to 10.6 percent for 17 year olds, and nearly triples to 28.8 percent for teens 18 and older. What are we doing to educate our kids about credit? NSLP Financial Literacy Online has a free course about Budgets, Credit and more that you can check out.

What is really depressing is the U.S. Bankruptcy Court claims the number of young people 18 to 24 declaring bankruptcy increased 96 percent in the past decade thus making them the fastest-growing group of bankruptcy filers. And in 2002, more people filed for bankruptcy than graduated from college.

It's no surprise our teens need a reality check as shown by Schwab’s Teens and Money Survey 2007. While the median household income in the U.S. is $48,000, teens believe they’ll be earning $145,000. Boy are they in for a rude awakening.

Teens are optimistic about they’re ability to achieve financial success but are clueless on what it will take to achieve those goals. Schwab MoneyWise has a guide with advice for helping kids of all ages learn about money. Remember to check out their “Practical Tips for Raising Financially Fit Teens.” Check out Hollis Harman’s site for some money games to download for your younger kids.

Here are a few tips to tackle “Pester Power:”

• Agree on tactics with your partner. Make the decisions together and stick to them so you don’t undermine each other. Set ground rules with your ex-partner and don’t let yourself get caught up in the competition if they buy the kids presents you can’t afford.

• Make memories. Remember your time spent having a pillow fight or whipped cream war will be remembered long after the latest toy has been trashed.

• Remember that children change their minds every other day with each new ad they see. Help them to realize that they can’t have everything they want. If it's a Christmas list then get them to put presents in order of their preference. And limit it to four or five.

• Help them to learn the difference between a want and a need.

• Go lock the bathroom door, turn up some tunes, soak in a nice hot bubble bath and fantasize about the days before kids or skids.
  

As parents, we should teach our children techniques for survival in our world. And it’s hard not to cave in and give them everything they want when they want it. If we make things too easy for them, they’ll have nothing to strive for. And what parent wants to end up with a thirty-year-old Xbox game player laying around our house all day eating cold pizza and guzzling coke?

Technology: Pros and Cons of Cell Phones for Tweens and Teens

Nearly four out of every five teens carry a wireless device according to a national survey by CTIA and Harris Interactive. The survey shows 17 million teens with a mobile device and they are the first generation (“Gen M“) to grow up in a mobile world.

As parents we like the peace of mind and convenience that cell phones offer. And it’s difficult finding fault with the ability to reach our child at any time anywhere. Are we parents aware of all that goes along with cell phones? And how old should the child be before they get one?

Our son got his first cell phone when he was 11 years old (he’s now 14) and he racked up a few “extra” charges. Kids at that age don’t read the fine print of offers or understand the subtleties of a sales pitch . We were paying for the “free-to-try” games he downloaded on a trial basis and never cancelled. Then there was our bout with the “free” to download ring tones you pay for each month. The original plan had texting at 5 cents each text in or out and that cost us an additional $300 one month for him and $125 another month for his older sister.

The Pro side for Cell Phones for Kids

Safety: With GPS capability parents can track the phone’s location and hopefully keep tabs on the child as long as their cell is not turned off. Parents can put the acronym “ICE” (in case of emergency) in front of the names in our child’s contact directory to show whom emergency people should call.

Convenience: Having a cell phone certainly is convenient when your child or you are going to be late or there’s a sudden change in plans. They also come in handy keeping track of kids, husbands and wives when you’re shopping.

The Con side for Cell Phones for kids

Safety: With school shootings and terrorist attacks we have some level of comfort knowing we can contact our children. However, think about the havoc hundreds of cell phones dialing 911 could cause during an emergency. Can you visualize the resultant parental stampede to the school when the kids start calling home?

Grades: Cells certainly can cause a problem in school because they make it easier to cheat unless the school has a system that knocks out all cell phones in the building. Kids texting their buddies detracts from studies during class time or the little darlings will disrupt the class when they share some interesting tidbit or photo.

A New York Times article, called "A Ring Tone Meant To Fall on Deaf Ears,” is about a ring tone developed by a High School freshman which cannot be heard by most adults due to the gradual loss of hearing that results as we age. Apparently people under the age of about 30 can hear it.

Envision the power imbalance with this little goodie. In places where cell phones are banished our little angels can be notified of incoming text messages right under our noses --- imagine that. This techno treat was developed almost 3 years ago.

Cost: On our cell phone family plan each additional phone line is only $9.95 per month. However, my son has had 5 cell phones in 3 years and they aren’t cheap. The first one he broke because he was too rough with it (translation, we‘re not quite sure what happened but he broke it); the second one got waterlogged by a friend; the third got stolen at the pool; the fourth died from either a “kungfoo kick” from a friend or happened when my son fell on it; the fifth one is dying due to texting. His father had a new cell phone for 2 weeks when the child borrowed it because his was stolen and his dad’s cell ended up a casualty of a skateboard accident.

Our kids have no access to the internet on their cells, but they do have unlimited texting in the hopes of curtailing the monthly minutes. Paying 69 cents per minute over your plan can wreck havoc on your monthly budget.

Health Risks:
Eye strain and “texting thumb” are very real. Cell phone screens are small and while you’re sleeping your child could be texting. My mom had it easy. All she had to worry about was my constantly reading with a flashlight under a blanket when I was supposed to be asleep. A couple of weeks ago my son stuck his thumb in front of my face and asked what I could do to stop the pain because it was really sore --- I said, “stop texting!” The sore thumb syndrome is akin to repetitive strain injuries.

Bullying: Tormenting by texting or taking embarrassing photos is a form of psychological harassment often perpetrated by girls. Those teen movies where mean girls take compromising photos of other kids and instantly send them to their entire contact list happens in real life too. According to recent research, the amount of girls bullying by cellphone has increased each year since 2002. There's an article here with some good advice.

Then we have those “inappropriate” photos or videos that get uploaded to a website or blog. Once that information gets on the internet it can be accessed even if it was deleted. And the bullying is not done just by children. I’ve had two mothers call my son to chastise him for some perceived slight to their son or daughter, but that topic is for another time. Boys also participate in bullying through texting. My son received one telling him that, “ he was going to get his a** beaten the next day,” for some difference of opinion. My son’s not a bad kid, he’s a boy and a teenager which explains almost everything about his behavior.

Lying: Surprise! Kids won’t always tell you where they really are when they’re on the phone. According to the Pew Internet & American Life Project, 39 percent of cell users between 18 and 29 admitted they aren’t always truthful about their whereabouts when on the phone. I’ve driven by my son as he was telling me he was playing Xbox games with a friend. I’ve had one of my son’s friends at my front door looking for him at the same time my son was on his cell telling me he was at that friend’s house. I’m shocked. I’m mortified. When we were teenagers we never lied about our whereabouts. Who am I kidding? The difference between then and now is with technology the kids can get extremely creative and it‘s done in the blink of an eye.

Sexual Predators: On my cell, I've received a text message telling me to come check out “her” new pictures on her Web site. The message was made to look like I knew who the person was that sent it. It‘s like all the “junk” e-mails that appear in your inbox---they‘re on your cell now too. And I have found them on my son's cell also.

Cell phones can be used by sexual predators to create and maintain an inappropriate relationship with your child. You’re not always there when your child gets a call or text. Junior can occasionally put one over us so it shouldn’t surprise you that sexual predators can fly below our radar.

Sexting: The act of young girls and boys taking inappropriate photos of themselves and sending them to other kids via cell phones has been dubbed “sexting.” Sometimes these photos are sent to tease and flirt and sometimes they’re sent to simply shock. Kids generally don’t think past the end of their nose. However, those naughty photos can pop up when their young and reckless years are behind them and then their careers or family life are trashed because they had a giant brain fart as a child. MSNBC has a good article from January 2009 on teens facing child porn charges because of sexting and there‘s another one from AP.

What Can Parents Do?

Establish a set of rules and responsibilities for using the cell phone. We don’t allow calls or texts out after 9 p.m. for our son. We don’t allow loaning the cell phone to other kids. And both his father and I check his cell for the texts he sends and receives. We also check his contact list. I thoroughly go over the cell phone bills so I know whom he’s been talking with. His cell is not in his bedroom at night. It gets charged in the living room and it’s turned off. This way he’s not texting until the wee hours of the morning. He has also been told not to answer calls or return them from numbers he doesn’t have in his contact list because of the possibility of scams, bullying etc. And finally, I have GPS activated to locate him if I need to.

Technology is not a babysitter. When we give our children a computer, a game console or a cell phone, we still need to monitor them and they’re use of it. As parents, we need to decide if our child is responsible enough to use the technology safely. These pieces of technology are not toys: they’re tools, which need to be respected and used sensibly. Our decision to buy a cell phone for our child is a very individual choice. Keeping up with the advances in technology and staying one step ahead of our angels is a tremendous amount of work.

Clever Children: Dumb Teenagers

OH MY GAWD, my son is officially a teenager and he didn’t come with instructions or a remote. Now I’m learning the ABC’s of living with a teenager: A is for Argumentative; B is for Belligerent; C is for Cranky; D is for Defiant; E is for Electronics; F is for Frustrating; G is for Grasping; H is for Hormones; I is for Irrational etc. (sigh). I feel a bit better.

When I was a teenager, my mother would point to the gray in her hair and say, “see this? These are the ones you gave me and these are the ones
your brother made.” Poor mom. Poor me.

Payback’s a B****! She would be laughing at me now. That dreaded mother’s curse extracts its revenge. You know the one or at least some variation, “I hope you have a kid just like you and they treat you like you treat me!photo courtesy of jj_judes

Dealing with teens in a biological family is never easy. Dealing with teens who are not biologically yours is even more confrontational difficult emotional like an extreme mental sports challenge so intense that blood vessels in your eyes burst. Okay I might be exaggerating a bit, but just a tad.

When you’ve had them from birth you know the buttons you can push to get their compliance or a least some semblance of it. Being the mother that came years later, well, you’re not given access to those buttons and you might not have had enough time to create buttons of your own. Dang it!

In search of answers for my personal dilemma I did some research and found that teens really are crazy by design (the brilliant chapter title from Barbara Strauch’s book ‘The Primal Teen’). And we need to look to their cognitive and emotional development for answers. Therefore, if you’ve been thinking that your clever child turned into a stupid teen, you’re right. Teens lose gray matter each year from ages 13 through 18.

In support of my opinion, there is research showing adolescent brains undergo profound changes. And these changes make the teen years as critical in the brain’s development as your child’s first three years.

A baby’s brain over-produces brain cells and the connections between them. Then the brain starts pruning them back around age 3. Just in time for the terrible two’s and troublesome three’s?

According to a study by Dr. Jay Giedd at the National Institute of Mental Health in Bethesda, Md., the formation of synapse showed a growth spurt in the frontal cortex just before puberty (age 11 for girls, age 12 for boys) and then the cutting back stage begins in adolescence. When the teen brain begins maturing between 13 and 18, they will lose 1 percent of their gray matter every year. If you want to read further on this process go to Frontline, Inside the Teenage Brain.

Maybe my little guy’s bio-mom had ulterior motives for finally giving his dad custody. R is for Ridiculous, S is for Stupid, T is definitely for Tylenol® EXTRA strength.

Remind Me Why We Gave The Child A Cell Phone: The Lighter Side of Cells For Kids

If you're hesitating getting your child their own cell phone then here are nine reasons you might want to consider. Your little darling can use their cell phone to improve:

1. Time Management
They can find out what’s for dinner to decide whether it’s your house or a friend’s house for meals.

They can make dinner requests from the backseat of the car when traveling. God forbid they bypassed a Mickey D.

2. Negotiating Skills
They will call 10 mins. before their curfew to renegotiate the time.

3. Creative Thinking
He can periodically check-in to let you know he's safe and not doing anything forbidden. Your child can let you know they’re at Jamie’s house watching movies when they’re really at Keith’s house playing on the internet unsupervised.

4. Health
He can help mom keep in shape by calling her from the upstairs bathroom to request toilet paper delivery.

He will update the family album with the most embarrassing pics possible. They say laughter is the best medicine.

5. Hand and Eye Coordination
He'll see how fast he can type in a telephone number or text a friend.

6. Grades
They'll text each other test answers at school requiring less time spent studying: until your little angels are caught.

7. Communication
He'll easily locate mom in department stores: replacing the embarrassing intercom request over the store PA system.

You can ensure your child buys the milk and bread at the store: not the pop and chocolate bar they thought you said to get.

8. Organization
He can locate the cordless home phone he left outside on the porch. Apparently the homing buzzer isn't loud enough.

He can locate lost articles of clothing: hey mom, where’s my socks?

And finally, one of my most important reasons for giving the child a cell phone: three-way conversations with mom and dad to say goodnight, I love you.

Congratulations! It’s a boy!

You know you’re raising a boy when:

1. he will trade almost anything--- his sister’s stuff, his sister, your stuff or hundreds of dollars of the technology you bought him. I did say he’d trade ANYTHING;

2. they’re hard on clothes, furniture, dishes, the cats and your nerves;

3. they will grab the closest thing to wipe up a spill. The most likely candidate to be used is anything white. When they need to mop up the grape juice they spilled or the mustard they splattered you know it will be their new white gym socks they just happen to have in their hand or the dishtowel. And the paper towels, will of course, be closer and also the better choice;

4. they’ll try to ride their skateboards through the dining room and kitchen then out the back door. They’ll slide down a metal railing on their boards and belly flop onto the concrete because it’s thrilling even though both habits might result in their untimely deaths;

5. they think scars are cool;

6. they find opening their mouths showing you their chewed food extremely funny --- especially when you start gagging;

7. they’ll hold you down so you can’t escape when they drop a silent-but-deadly. And this doesn’t change as they age;

8. you can’t find any butter knives because your little one needed a screwdriver;

9. they hold up your bra or your daughter’s bra in a Laundromat and loudly announce --- you really wear this?

10. he’ll laugh so hard he can hardly breath when he hears you scream after you sit down on a cold wet toilet seat for the umpteenth time;

11. he never seems to be full;

12. school work is evil and he’s writing a book of excuses on why homework’s not done, open-book tests are difficult yada yada yada;

14. he’s fascinated with your first-aide kit and uses all the bandages for one microscopic cut and the roll of gauze is used to make a cool mummy costume;

15. cleaning up their room means moving the furniture around;

16. they can’t figure out what a hanger is for even though you’ve shown them
many times;

17. the closet is really a fort or secret hideout and the only clothes in it are the ones on the floor;

18. under the bed is the best place to hide all the dishes, candy wrappers, potato chip bags, dirty underwear etc.;

19. the laundry basket is always empty but right beside it lay dirty clothes;

20. they tell you they do some things just to watch your head spin 360 degrees;

21. they’re uncoordinated and klutzy because their bodies are changing so fast they don’t know they’re own strength yet;

22. they break into their piggy bank to buy you a single long-stemmed rose for Valentines Day because dad won’t be home to celebrate it with you;

23. they have unlimited energy except in the mornings during the school week or when chores need to be done;

24. they spend hours coloring a note that reads, “To the Best Mom Ever” and getting them to spend 5 mins. on homework is a hellacious experience.

Congratulations, it’s a boy. And you wouldn’t trade him for the world.